Not meant to be...

I know we all get our ups and downs. We all get our good days and our bad, but do you ever feel like you weren't meant to have a life of your own? Like this life wasn't meant to be yours and that it should be someone else's. I can't help but have that feeling sometimes. I have good days but the bad days seem to out number the good. I feel kinda of like a waste of space, you know? I feel like it should've been somebody else who got this life. They would've been able to do so much more with it than I ever could. I just wanna run away and hide under a rock so nobody can find me. Nobody has to worry about me bothering them and i'm left to live my own life without causing anybody anymore trouble. Life is supposed to be this thing... this object in time where you do what you want and hopefully make some sort of difference in the world. If that's true then I've already failed. I feel even more worthless than before. I haven't done a damn thing with my life and I have no aspirations to do anything either. There is no point to my life. Someone else should live it for me.

Night Thoughts

I sit in the dark looking out my window
starring blankly at the stars.
I think about how the world moves so fast.
I think about you and hope this will last.
I know my world's been turned upside down
and you'll always be around,
but I can't help but wonder, if it's true.
Will you always be around no matter what we go through?
When life kicks me to the curb,
will you be the one to pick me up and brush off the dirt?
I know I may sound paranoid and maybe I am,
but is it wrong for me to not want to get hurt again?

A Survey cuz I got bored on a saturday night....

1. Name? Nicole Michelle Jensen
2. Age? 17
3. Gender? Female... Thank God!!!
4. Pets? Yes
5. If so, what kind? 4 dogs (Sadie, Shiloh, Ellie, Oscar), a few cats (Too many to name), 2 horses (Cheif, Lucky), 1 fish (TnkerBell), and 1 turtle (Speedy)
6. Hair Color? Strawberry Blonde
7. Righty or Lefty? Righty
Favorites:
8. Soda? Mt. Dew (there's a shock)
9. Song? Jesus, take the wheel.... I don't care how much pain it can bring.... it's a good freakin' song
10. Band? umm... Idk... i like alot of bands.... Little Big Town, SheDaisy, The Wreckers, Hellogoodbye, 3 Days Grace, the list goes on and on
11. Ice Cream Flavor? Chocolate and Vanilla Twist
12. Candy? Snickers
12. Movie? Step Up or Rent
13. TV Show? Friends or Mash
14. Food? Spaghetti and Cottage Cheese
15. Animal Holiday? umm... wtf? i guess... easter... cuz of the easter bunny... idk
16. Season? fall
17. Sport? football... to watch although im starting to get into soccer (Curse you guys! lol jk) but i'd rather play basketball
18. Pizza Topping? pepperoni
19. Number? 7, 14 ,21
20. Chocolate or Vanilla? Vanilla
21. Dog or Cat? Dog
22. Hot or Cold? Hot
23. Pepsi or Coke? depends on the day... right now pepsi
24. Movies or TV? Movies... i can't stand commercials.... they drive me nuts
25. McDonalds or Burger King? McD's
26. Pepperoni of Sausage? Pepperoni
27. Hamburger or Hotdog? Hotdog
Do You…
28. Shower daily? yeah... unless i got nothing to do that day and i just spend the entire day in bed
29. Go to school? unfortunatly yes i do
30. Have a job? umm... yeah
31. Want to get married? at the present moment i don't really know.... im starting to think it might be better to be alone the rest of my life
32. Want to have kids? only if i find someone to share my life with
33. Talk to yourself? lol umm... yeah....
34. Drive? yep... i love it!
Do You Believe in…
35. Miracles? Yes
36. Fate? No... I believe you make your life what it is
37. Ghosts? Yes
38. Santa? No
39. Monsters? Um.. No
40. Having a good with no evil? No
Are You…
41. Fun? I guess.... people hang out with me so i gotta be fun some of the time
42. Happy? sometimes
43. Funny? Well apparently, since Sammy and Megan have to point it out all the time lol
44. Boring? I can be
45. Mean? again, I can be
46. Trustworthy? I hope so
47. Sarcastic? Oh No I would never be sarcastic... lol (this is a big duh!)
48. Weird? ummm... have you even read this thing?
49. Mature? pssh... barely
50. Polite? for the most part
51. Clumsy? Let's put it this way.... the only time i can walk a straight line is when im pissed off.... so... you do the math
52. Lazy? have you seen my room? it's a mess... i only clean it when i have to... does that answer your question?
53. Daring? Only on certain dayz
54. Nosy? umm... yeah
55. Optimistic? pssh... hell no
56. Curious? yeah
57. Artistic? sure... sometimes...
58. Honest? for the most part
59. Respectful? yeah
60. Controlling? sometimes
61. Care free? yea... no... Not at all... I wish i could be
62. Serious? depends on the day
63. Helpful? again it depends on the day
64. Concieted? no... at least i hope im not
65. Easily amused? yep
Lasts…
66. Person you talked to? In person... Nicole, Mallory, and Sarah... The last person period... through txt... Sammy
67. Thing you said to them? to nicole, mallory, and sarah: Jesus Christ! You suck at that!.... Sammy: Lol I like that Idea
68. Person you talked to through IM? Tyler
69. Thing you did, besides answer these questions? Eat
70. Song you heard? Don't Matter by Akon
71. Movie you saw? Dr. Dolittle 3
72. Thing you ate? Chicken Fried Rice
73. Thing you drank? Pepsi
74. Show you watched? Red Green Show
Randomness…
75. Do you like pencils? umm... yeah... but only to draw... i prefer to write with pen
76. What is your favorite country? Japan
77. Do you bite your nails? not normally
78. How many siblings do you have? 2
79. Do you have a cell phone? yes
80. How about an iPod? yes but it's brokeded
81. Is your hair long or short? long
82. Do you usually lie? depends on who it is... friends i don't normally lie to.... parents... thats a different story
83. Are you perfect? hell no
84. How much tatoos do you have? none but i want three
85. What about piercings? two... in me ears
86. Do people call you "slow"? all the freakin time
87. Who is your bestest buddy? don't have one bestest bud... they're all awsome
88. Can you touch your tounge to your nose? no
89. Have you ever lied to a friend? yea... lets not go into that
Your Views…
90. Is abortion evil? no... not if its for medical reasons
91. Gay marriage.. right or wrong? right... if you really love someone does it matter what their gender is
92. Religion.. true belief or a mere excuse? im not entirly sure.... im still figgering out my own beliefs
93. Premarital sex? That's something only the people in a relationship can decide
94. George W Bush.. idealistic president or homicidal terrorist? well he sure as hell ain't no idealistic president....
95. Cigarettes.. slow suicide or no harm? slow suicide and hell for those around you
96. Drugs.. quick way down death lane or a bit of fun? quick way down death lane and stupid
97. Prostitution.. exploitation of both men and women? I think that prostitution is something that should be a person's own choice... if they wanna go sell their body... let 'em... i won't have anything to do with it.
98. Global warming.. serious issue or nothing to worry about? Nothing to worry about.... Dude ok.... there was a meeting for all the people who believe that crap... and it got cancelled because of all the snow lol
99. Peace.. can it or can't it exist in a world like ours? can't... we have to many people who only think about themselves....
100. Casual or long-term relationships? long - term relationships
101. Anarchy or law and order? law and order
102. Lust first or fast love? fast love
103. Something you're tired of doing:
104. Something you can't get out of your head: give you one guess.... the name is 5 letters long and begins with a "J"
105. An issue you feel strongly about: Religion.... and Gay stuff lol (sounds weird but i don't know how else to word it)
106. Looks or personality - do looks help at all? Looks do help... let me tell ya ... oh buddy
107. Has society become too obsessed with image, in your opinion? yeah... if it wasn't too obsessed then we wouldn't have people who are anerexic and belimic
108. Something you really hate about yourself - look-wise: everything
109. Something you really hate about yourself - personality-wise: way too agressive and complain way to much
110. Does anyone notice the above? idk... ask them
111. Has it affected your relationship with people/someone in any way? not that i know of, but you never know
112. Something you'd like to do before you die: umm... learn to drift, own my dream carm and go to Japan
113. Something you deeply regret doing: ok... this one's hard for me to admit but... January 16 of this year... that was the night that Jenny and I broke up... Well, after she broke up with me she ran out crying... i just kinda stood there. I regret just standing there... I shoulda went after her...
114. What happens after we die? we face God
115. Believe in guardian angels? I really don't know if I do or not
116. Believe in fate and destiny - does everything happen for a reason? I think we make our live what they are... I don't believe in that fate or destiny crap... if i did then i'd be screwed over.

Second Chance...

Last night... was.... well, there are no words to describe last night. Last night was the night that Megan gave her message at church. I have to say Megan did an awsome job. I am so proud of her. She was so nervous earlier, but when it came time she really delivered. I know that she touched alot of people with what she had to say. The movie that she made was amazing... Lol I think it would have been better without my little quote, but that's just my opinion. Even with my quote, I was starting to tear up when I watched it. After the movie Doug introduced Meg. As I listened to Megan talk thoughts just started swirling around in my head. Every word hit me hard. I looked over at Sammy and Jenny the both had tears in their eyes. I looked back up at Megan and I lost it... I have to say that I was expecting to cry last night, but I wasn't expecting to cry as hard as I did. I couldn't stop thinking about how badly i've hurt everyone by cutting... It's so hard for me to stop. I never meant to hurt anyone, but those around me have gotten so close to me that it does hurt them. I couldn't stop thinking about my cousin and how much she's been through... I couldn't stop thinking about Emily. I feel so bad. I can't believe i've let her go this long without saying something. I should have said something... anything... but i didn't. God knows that the fact tha I cut doesn't exactly discourage her from doing the same. She's just been through so much and I feel like I haven't done jack squat to help. I don't know... Sammy patted me on the back and told me she knew I could do it. I couldn't smile about that at the time but I can now. It just feels so great to know that Sammy has that kind of confidence in me. I on the other hand don't trust myself, but it's good to know that somebody else does... By the time Megan had finished talking I was still crying, but I had the crying alittle more under control. Well, I thought I had the crying under control... I couldn't handle it... I had to go back to the back of the church. I can't stand crying around my friends. It bothers the hell outta me to cry in front of people. Sure enough I turn around and Megan followed me to make sure I was doing ok. She gave me a hug and asked what was wrong. I just shook my head and said nothing... which I know she knew was a lie, but I knew that if I tried to explain everything that was running through my head I'd break down and cry even harder. Then, Ryan came back... He was crying harder than I was... OMG I felt so bad. I talked to him for a few minutes then Ryan asked me to go up and pray for him. So, of course I did. Megan, by then had went back to talk to everyone else. I walked up to the front of the church and sat next to Ryan and just prayed. I didn't just pray for Ryan, I prayed for everyone, myself included. As I sat there praying I felt Megan come up behind us... I'm guessing she was praying with us. After a while she left again... then I left Ryan with his younger sister so they could talk. When I got up I saw/seen my little cousin Cheyenne walking toward the back of the church. I ran back to talk to her before she could leave. She was crying... I wasn't fully expecting that. She told me that she cut and she told me why... It hurts me so much to hear that coming from her. I know she's been through alot but I didn't know how badly she was hurt by all this. I just wish her dad and brother would think about someone other than themselves for once. It just pisses me off.... Ne who... I gave Chey a hug and told her to call me anytime she wanted...I walked back to where everyone was at and Jenny gave me a hug. She told me she was sorry for everything. She doesn't have anything to be sorry for... She didn't hold the knife to my arm, I did.... It's my own choice... Then Shaina asked me to jump start her car... Oh boy was that ever fun... I now officially hate Megan's brakes. They are so freakin' touchy it's not even funny. I went back inside after I parked Meg's car again. We all talked for a little while. Then we realized that it was getting late so we all decided to leave... I had to take Ryan home so I knew I was gunna be late getting home. We all got out to our cars and before she left Jenny gave me another hug. After that I jumped in the car and drove Ryan home. On the way to his house Ryan and I got a chance to talk... He asked alot of questions so he now knows a ton of stuff about my family. lol oh well. When I got home I called Emily and talked to her for a little while... We got into really deep conversation.... Which I still don't fully understand. It'll always be hard for me to understand because I can't see how I could effect anyone that much. There is one thing i'd like to mention from our conversation though. I know she'll read this eventually.... So here goes... During our convo I told Emily that she needed to stop... She asked me why I had to care... She said it was so much easier if she didn't. My explination was that great so i'll try to explain it now... Everything every single one of my friends does effects me in some way shape or form. I care about each and everyone of you and I have to say that you might not know it but even the little things that you do to yourself.... It hurts me so much. It hurts to know how much pain you're in. It hurts to know what you're doing to yourself. Whether it's cutting, burning, starving, drinking, smoking, or anything else that I can't think of off the top of my head, It all bothers the hell out of me. Some of those things hurt me more than others because of personal experiences but the point is that I don't want to see you guys going through any of that kind of pain. I've been through it and I know what its like. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I've been through all that much because compared to you I haven't been through a damn thing. Compared to you my pain wouldn't even feel like a pinch. What i'm trying to say is that even though what i've been through isn't much... I can still tell you what its like to go through it and I wouldn't wish even my worst enemy (that includes johnny boy) to go through that kind of pain. So, just imagine why I would want you to go through it.

Self Distruction

Ever since Megan started doing this whole depression/self mutilation message for church I've been thinking about why I ever started cutting and why I cut. I feel like I owe everyone an explanation about it. So here it goes... I first started in the 9th grade... I think... I can't really remember when I started exactly. I just remember the reason... During the last part of middle school and the beginning of high school I went into this stage of... well I guess it was depression. I'd get emotional stressed about a few different things and it would completely overload my system. I'd get so bogged down with emotions that my body would decided that it was tired of all the stress and I would go numb. I would be in this state where I didn't care about anything... Not school, family, friends, basketball, nothing. I'd just sorta give up on everything. These states could last anywhere from a few hours to months. I felt like I wasn't alive. Like I was just this figment of peoples imaginations and no matter what I did I couldn't change that feeling. I tried everything I could think of to get my emotions flowing again. I tried writing, reading, painting, playing basketball, but nothing could get me to feel like I was still apart of this earth. Nothing... One day I was sitting in class and I got bored so I took a pencil and started drawing on my arm. Nothing really all that bad. I did that sort of thing all the time. The physical pain from the pencil scratching my skin reminded me that I was still alive. That day was different. That day I accidentally drew blood. I was etching the word life in my left arm and the "L" started to bleed. I know this kinda sounds morbid but the pain felt amazing. I loved it, and I loved seeing the blood. It sent this shock through my body... I wanted more blood. I didn't do anything more to my arm that day, but it wasn't long before my mind was stuck in my numb stage. This time it was different. instead of etching with a pencil I took my hunting knife and drug it along my the back of my leg. (I didn't want my parents to find the mark so I had to be innovative. You can still just barely see the scar on my right leg. ) The blood just gushed out of the cut and dripped down the back of my calf... After that it just got worse... I would let a cut heal then as soon as it did I'd cut it open again... It was a bad time in my life... A lot of different things were happening and I had no control over them or my emotions. See, at the same time I was cutting I was also having suicidal thoughts... At least two or three times a day I would think about just ending the misery... Earlier this year I thought I was finally over all of that... I was trying to stop cutting... I made it the entire summer without cutting and a few months into the school year which was really good for me. I'm still trying to stop. As of right now the last time I cut was January 16 at 10:00 at night. 3 cuts on that night. I've got almost 2 months under my belt (it'll be 2 months in 13 dayz). So, I'm doing OK for the most part. I'm starting to freak out though... Lately (as I'm sure you guys already know) I've been extremely depressed. What my problem is... is the fact that I'm starting to go numb again. Like earlier when I was talking to Megan and Sammy I went into a numb state... I'm not sure if they noticed or not... They didn't say anything if they did... I'm fine now, but I'm scared... I'm getting suicidal thoughts like I use too. You guys probably couldn't imagine all the ways I've thought of to kill myself... oh boy... I'm not really sure if I would ever actually go through with killing myself or not... I don't think I would but I didn't think I would ever cut either... So, I'm just letting you guys know that I might a lot of help for the next few months... I love y'all and I'll see ya soon... I promise!!!