Self Distruction

Ever since Megan started doing this whole depression/self mutilation message for church I've been thinking about why I ever started cutting and why I cut. I feel like I owe everyone an explanation about it. So here it goes... I first started in the 9th grade... I think... I can't really remember when I started exactly. I just remember the reason... During the last part of middle school and the beginning of high school I went into this stage of... well I guess it was depression. I'd get emotional stressed about a few different things and it would completely overload my system. I'd get so bogged down with emotions that my body would decided that it was tired of all the stress and I would go numb. I would be in this state where I didn't care about anything... Not school, family, friends, basketball, nothing. I'd just sorta give up on everything. These states could last anywhere from a few hours to months. I felt like I wasn't alive. Like I was just this figment of peoples imaginations and no matter what I did I couldn't change that feeling. I tried everything I could think of to get my emotions flowing again. I tried writing, reading, painting, playing basketball, but nothing could get me to feel like I was still apart of this earth. Nothing... One day I was sitting in class and I got bored so I took a pencil and started drawing on my arm. Nothing really all that bad. I did that sort of thing all the time. The physical pain from the pencil scratching my skin reminded me that I was still alive. That day was different. That day I accidentally drew blood. I was etching the word life in my left arm and the "L" started to bleed. I know this kinda sounds morbid but the pain felt amazing. I loved it, and I loved seeing the blood. It sent this shock through my body... I wanted more blood. I didn't do anything more to my arm that day, but it wasn't long before my mind was stuck in my numb stage. This time it was different. instead of etching with a pencil I took my hunting knife and drug it along my the back of my leg. (I didn't want my parents to find the mark so I had to be innovative. You can still just barely see the scar on my right leg. ) The blood just gushed out of the cut and dripped down the back of my calf... After that it just got worse... I would let a cut heal then as soon as it did I'd cut it open again... It was a bad time in my life... A lot of different things were happening and I had no control over them or my emotions. See, at the same time I was cutting I was also having suicidal thoughts... At least two or three times a day I would think about just ending the misery... Earlier this year I thought I was finally over all of that... I was trying to stop cutting... I made it the entire summer without cutting and a few months into the school year which was really good for me. I'm still trying to stop. As of right now the last time I cut was January 16 at 10:00 at night. 3 cuts on that night. I've got almost 2 months under my belt (it'll be 2 months in 13 dayz). So, I'm doing OK for the most part. I'm starting to freak out though... Lately (as I'm sure you guys already know) I've been extremely depressed. What my problem is... is the fact that I'm starting to go numb again. Like earlier when I was talking to Megan and Sammy I went into a numb state... I'm not sure if they noticed or not... They didn't say anything if they did... I'm fine now, but I'm scared... I'm getting suicidal thoughts like I use too. You guys probably couldn't imagine all the ways I've thought of to kill myself... oh boy... I'm not really sure if I would ever actually go through with killing myself or not... I don't think I would but I didn't think I would ever cut either... So, I'm just letting you guys know that I might a lot of help for the next few months... I love y'all and I'll see ya soon... I promise!!!