Don't Let Me Get Me

"Never win first place, I dont support the team I cant take direction, and my socks are never Clean Teachers dated me, my parents hated me I was always in a fight cuz I cant do nothin Right Everyday I fight a war against the mirror I cant take the person starin back at me Im a hazard to myself Dont let me get me Im my own worst enemy Its bad when you annoy yourself So irritating Dont wanna be my friend no more I wanna be somebody elseI wanna be somebody else, yeahLa told me, youll be a pop star, All you have to change is everything you are.Tired of being compared to damn britney spearsShes so pretty, that just aint me Doctor, doctor wont you please prescribe meSomethinA day in the life of someone else? Cuz Im a hazard to myselfDont let me get meIm my own worst enemyIts bad when you annoy yourselfSo irritatingDont wanna be my friend no moreI wanna be somebody elseDont let me get meIm my own worst enemyIts bad when you annoy yourself So irritatingDont wanna be my friend no moreI wanna be somebody else Doctor, doctor wont you please prescribe me SomethinA day in the life of someone else? Dont let me get meDont let me get me Im my own worst enemyIts bad when you annoy yourself So irritating Dont wanna be my friend no moreI wanna be somebody else" (Don't Let Me Get Me by Pink)

For some reason lately this song seems to be my theme song... Then again it's probably always been the theme song of my life. I always seem to screw myself over. It doesn't seem to matter anymore how hard I try to do the right thing... it comes back to bite me in the ass, every single time. I know most (or all) of those who read this are arguing with me on this one but I got proof.

1. I screwed myself over because I decided not to go out for basketball this year... It bit me in the ass when I figuered out that basketball was my life... by then it was too late....

2. I screw myself over when I try to keep my mouth shut when I am trying to prevent myself from not snapping on people.... that bites me in the ass cuz people (mainly mom) think that im being moody and need to straighten myself out... cuz apparently, even though im a teenager, im not allowed to be moody or show normal emotion.

3. I screw myself over when I become friends with any body... ok scratch that I screw them over....

4. I screw myself over by trying to be happy... cuz that just leads to disappointment ... god knows im not allowed to be happy for too long either... something has to happen...

5. I screw myself over by caring about others... i can't even bring myself to explain why...

6. I screw myself over by talking about my problems too much... and by hardly talking about them.... I can't win.... either way somebody gets pissed at me.... normally heather...

7. I screw myself over by trying to help... god knows that it doesn't work any way so why do I bother....

There you go seven reason I screw myself over... and thats only what i can think of off the top of my head... oh wait there are eight reasons.... i screw myself over by trying to drive cuz apparently I can't do that... Don't get me wrong... there are a few bright spots in my life... and my life isn't terrible... im just sick of myself... im done.... i wanna be someone else...

Is this it?

This week has been awsome... Sure i've hit a few bumps in the road this week, but it really hasn't been that bad. Wensday was awsome... I loved hanging out with everyone at church and then yesterday at Jenny's house was freakin' awsome too. Last night... I don't exactly know how to explain it, but it put me on cloud nine. I've been on that cloud all day... I don't wanna come down. ^_^ Just being near Jenny... ^_^ lol guys i feel like a little kid, am I pathetic or what? I know that alot of this doesn't make sense and im sorry for that im just really happy. I was in such a good mood after last night... I actually had a good nights rest... no waking up ever hour... no nightmares (thank god)... Just a good nights rest with great dreams (and don't put your mind in the gutter they weren't like rated triple X dreams).... so yeah... my mind isn't exactly focusing so i'll catch ya'll l8er...

The game

I try not to let myself get attached to anything, because I can't stand the heartache if something goes wrong. Yet, somehow i've let myself get attached to basketball. It doesn't matter if its just watching a game or if im actually playing, I get into it. It's like im in my own little world, where nothing can penetrate into my brain...I know that im not the greatest player in the world, but it still means something to me.
I didn't realize this until just recently. I have my own stupidty to thank for that and megan to thank for reinforcing that knowledge. I first realized that basketball was a major part of my life when I didn't go out for the team this year. I feel like somethings missing and I just now realize what it is. I mean its rediculus how much I miss about the game. The anticipation before a game, how I could just sit in the locker room before a game and I could actually focus on basketball... Nothing else (I have a hard time concentrating on anything, my brain jumps around subjects way to much). How I actually had a whole ritual before a game... to get me ready to play lol (sounds stupid i know). I even miss running in practices... Double killers... Ladders... (im sure most of you are lost now, but for a breif explination they are running drills and f.y.i. i hate running, so that makes it even more amazing that I miss it). I miss the early morning practices, the weight lifting after school, everything...
Then it really hit me last saturday that baskeball was/is my life... I had placed a picture on my myspace profile of me sitting on the bench at the begining of a basketball game... Megan left a comment that the way I look in that picture is the same way I look watching games now. Before she said that I thought that I had, for the most part, gotten rid of basketball as a major aspect of my life... I was wrong. Its still there... I can't get rid of it no matter how hard I try...
Megan's trying to convince me to go back and play next year, but im not sure that I want to... I mean don't get me wrong I love the sport, but I don't know if I want to put myself through this agrivation again... The physical pain I could deal with (I'd have physical pain because i badly need to get into shape again), Its the emotional i problems with... Im afraid that ill go back into my depression as soon as next years season ends and I don't think its worth it... I guess I just don't know what to do at the moment...
You get your way meg... I haven't made my decision on what to do next year...

What It Takes

You know, its amazing what it takes for people to realize what things mean to them. You wish that bad things wouldn't ever happen, but when they do you realize that they can be a blessing in disguise. I recently had an awaking. For those of you who don't already know, I recently rolled my car into a ditch, I totalled it. Also I would like to add that I loved that car. I loved that car so much that as soon as i got out of it, I cried. I wasn't even the least bit worried about my own injuries, I was worried about that freakin' car.
Ok car aside, I did realize how much my friends mean to me. I realized that there isn't anything in the world that I would trade for any single one of my friends. My friends are my family. Whether they believe that or not, they are. I care about every single one of you guys... I love you and I can't imagine my life without you. Jenny, Meg, Sammy, JenJen, Emily, Jessica, Ifftany, Susan, Weimer, Justin, Brent, Cram, Brittany, Kayla, Carley, Heather, Sasha, Amber, Farver, and even Cookie. (even if he was more worried about the car lol)
When I got to school today, I walked inside... and even after what happened, I still had a smile on my face when I walked in. You can even ask Megan, she was there... but I was just so happy that I still had the chance to see my friends. If I wasn't so sore I would've done a back flip (and yes, Meg and Sam, I do realize that I told you that I didn't feel any pain, but that was a bit of an exaggeration). I honestly, didn't really care that my car was totalled as long as I was able to see my friends. There's nothing I want more right now then to huge everyone, especially Jenny... The fact that I could have died just applifies how I feel about everyone.
I was sitting here on my computer yesterday after the accident talking to Megan, Sammy, Jessica, and Tiff, and I started to cry. I didn't cry because of the pain or because of the stress. I didn't cry because I had just realized how close I had actually came to death. I didn't cry because of the fear that followed after I realized how close I came to dying (i'm terrified of dying, its one of my worse fears). I cried because of how close I came to never being able to see my friends again. I may be terrified of death, but not being able to see the people I care about most, scared me worse than death itself. I would rather die then not be able to see my friends.
Ok, so everyone keeps asking me if im ok and how im feeling? Most of the time I'll tell ya'll that im fine... well thats only partly true... I know I will live through all of this, but if you want to know the honest to God truth, I hurt like hell and I am so freakin' stressed out about this that im about ready to break down. I'm gonna hafta find a way to pay for a new car, and I don't exactly have that type of money right now. Mom calls me like every hour to make sure im ok which drives me nuts. So this whole thing plus all the other stressful things in my life make me wanna break down and cry for hours on end. The pain is every where (especially in my ribs) ... it's driving me up the wall. I wish I could only focus on one thing so the rest of it would go away, but it doesn't help... my mind can't stop racing. I tried to write and it doesn't help, it actually makes things worse. So, right now I just kinda feel a little bit like my whole life has been turned upside down and the lights have been turned out. Now, I gotta find all these pieces in the dark and try to put them back together.
I'm not really sure how everyone will take this, but again I feel like ya'll should know. And I'm sorry if I really freaked anyone out. I promise that I will be ok and that I don't plan on rolling another car anytime soon. Just bare with me if I have a tendency to space out within the next couple of weeks... I have alot on my mind and i'm not exactly sure how im going to deal with this...

Love ~Snap~

Questions?

Ok so im guessing that most of you don't think of me as a real deep thinker... you probably have me down as the type who doesn't think real hard about stuff. Well you're wrong... There are actually a few things that I think about alot... They're not exactly important things but they're just things I wonder about. So just so you can see what my mind's like I'll share a few of my "deep thinking" questions with you...

Well ok to start off with i've always wondered about colors... Like what if you and i see a color as purple but that purple is two compeletly differnt colors. I mean, like the color you see as purple would be a color that I know as red, but you've learned it as purple... Does that make sense? (sorry most of these things are going to be confusing, because i understand them but im not exactly that great with words)

OR how about ok if a person is a transgender is that person considered gay or straight?... ok i know that one doesn't exactly make the most sense so let me give you an example... Umm ok say this chick decides that she'd be happier if she was a guy. So she goes to the doctor and gets a sex change so now she's a guy. She/He goes to the bar with a few buddies and meets this really hot chick, so she/he asks that chick out on a date... So does that make this person Gay or Straight?

Ok what about... is it possible that you could be your own ancestor? (this one started because of amber) OK say that sometime in the future during your life time, a time machine is built and can take you back in time... SO you go back in time... and you end up staying in that time a marrying so dude or chick (depending or your prefrence lol) and you come to find out that you were the one missing link in your own family tree... SO technically speaking you could be your own grandmother and not even know it... Which would also explain why you look so much like her lol jk...

Does any body's head hurt yet? lol cuz I know mine does... Ok i've got one more to share with you... umm... ok... Can you truely prove anything? I don't believe you can... like the fact that im sitting here right now in my desk chair... I can't prove it... Even with eye witness'... I could be a figment of everyone's imagination... the computer screen you're looking at right now it can't be proven to be there... there's a possibility that it's also a figment of your imagination.

I do have a few more of these kind of questions that run through my mind a few times a week... but they just get really complicated. So if you really want to know about them, you can ask, but im warning you now that you might not get it... Most of the stuff I find interesting and can find myself thinking about alot will have to do with time travel, atlantis, umm... the jfk assassination, you know mysteries that haven't been solved yet.