Second Chance...

Last night... was.... well, there are no words to describe last night. Last night was the night that Megan gave her message at church. I have to say Megan did an awsome job. I am so proud of her. She was so nervous earlier, but when it came time she really delivered. I know that she touched alot of people with what she had to say. The movie that she made was amazing... Lol I think it would have been better without my little quote, but that's just my opinion. Even with my quote, I was starting to tear up when I watched it. After the movie Doug introduced Meg. As I listened to Megan talk thoughts just started swirling around in my head. Every word hit me hard. I looked over at Sammy and Jenny the both had tears in their eyes. I looked back up at Megan and I lost it... I have to say that I was expecting to cry last night, but I wasn't expecting to cry as hard as I did. I couldn't stop thinking about how badly i've hurt everyone by cutting... It's so hard for me to stop. I never meant to hurt anyone, but those around me have gotten so close to me that it does hurt them. I couldn't stop thinking about my cousin and how much she's been through... I couldn't stop thinking about Emily. I feel so bad. I can't believe i've let her go this long without saying something. I should have said something... anything... but i didn't. God knows that the fact tha I cut doesn't exactly discourage her from doing the same. She's just been through so much and I feel like I haven't done jack squat to help. I don't know... Sammy patted me on the back and told me she knew I could do it. I couldn't smile about that at the time but I can now. It just feels so great to know that Sammy has that kind of confidence in me. I on the other hand don't trust myself, but it's good to know that somebody else does... By the time Megan had finished talking I was still crying, but I had the crying alittle more under control. Well, I thought I had the crying under control... I couldn't handle it... I had to go back to the back of the church. I can't stand crying around my friends. It bothers the hell outta me to cry in front of people. Sure enough I turn around and Megan followed me to make sure I was doing ok. She gave me a hug and asked what was wrong. I just shook my head and said nothing... which I know she knew was a lie, but I knew that if I tried to explain everything that was running through my head I'd break down and cry even harder. Then, Ryan came back... He was crying harder than I was... OMG I felt so bad. I talked to him for a few minutes then Ryan asked me to go up and pray for him. So, of course I did. Megan, by then had went back to talk to everyone else. I walked up to the front of the church and sat next to Ryan and just prayed. I didn't just pray for Ryan, I prayed for everyone, myself included. As I sat there praying I felt Megan come up behind us... I'm guessing she was praying with us. After a while she left again... then I left Ryan with his younger sister so they could talk. When I got up I saw/seen my little cousin Cheyenne walking toward the back of the church. I ran back to talk to her before she could leave. She was crying... I wasn't fully expecting that. She told me that she cut and she told me why... It hurts me so much to hear that coming from her. I know she's been through alot but I didn't know how badly she was hurt by all this. I just wish her dad and brother would think about someone other than themselves for once. It just pisses me off.... Ne who... I gave Chey a hug and told her to call me anytime she wanted...I walked back to where everyone was at and Jenny gave me a hug. She told me she was sorry for everything. She doesn't have anything to be sorry for... She didn't hold the knife to my arm, I did.... It's my own choice... Then Shaina asked me to jump start her car... Oh boy was that ever fun... I now officially hate Megan's brakes. They are so freakin' touchy it's not even funny. I went back inside after I parked Meg's car again. We all talked for a little while. Then we realized that it was getting late so we all decided to leave... I had to take Ryan home so I knew I was gunna be late getting home. We all got out to our cars and before she left Jenny gave me another hug. After that I jumped in the car and drove Ryan home. On the way to his house Ryan and I got a chance to talk... He asked alot of questions so he now knows a ton of stuff about my family. lol oh well. When I got home I called Emily and talked to her for a little while... We got into really deep conversation.... Which I still don't fully understand. It'll always be hard for me to understand because I can't see how I could effect anyone that much. There is one thing i'd like to mention from our conversation though. I know she'll read this eventually.... So here goes... During our convo I told Emily that she needed to stop... She asked me why I had to care... She said it was so much easier if she didn't. My explination was that great so i'll try to explain it now... Everything every single one of my friends does effects me in some way shape or form. I care about each and everyone of you and I have to say that you might not know it but even the little things that you do to yourself.... It hurts me so much. It hurts to know how much pain you're in. It hurts to know what you're doing to yourself. Whether it's cutting, burning, starving, drinking, smoking, or anything else that I can't think of off the top of my head, It all bothers the hell out of me. Some of those things hurt me more than others because of personal experiences but the point is that I don't want to see you guys going through any of that kind of pain. I've been through it and I know what its like. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I've been through all that much because compared to you I haven't been through a damn thing. Compared to you my pain wouldn't even feel like a pinch. What i'm trying to say is that even though what i've been through isn't much... I can still tell you what its like to go through it and I wouldn't wish even my worst enemy (that includes johnny boy) to go through that kind of pain. So, just imagine why I would want you to go through it.

Self Distruction

Ever since Megan started doing this whole depression/self mutilation message for church I've been thinking about why I ever started cutting and why I cut. I feel like I owe everyone an explanation about it. So here it goes... I first started in the 9th grade... I think... I can't really remember when I started exactly. I just remember the reason... During the last part of middle school and the beginning of high school I went into this stage of... well I guess it was depression. I'd get emotional stressed about a few different things and it would completely overload my system. I'd get so bogged down with emotions that my body would decided that it was tired of all the stress and I would go numb. I would be in this state where I didn't care about anything... Not school, family, friends, basketball, nothing. I'd just sorta give up on everything. These states could last anywhere from a few hours to months. I felt like I wasn't alive. Like I was just this figment of peoples imaginations and no matter what I did I couldn't change that feeling. I tried everything I could think of to get my emotions flowing again. I tried writing, reading, painting, playing basketball, but nothing could get me to feel like I was still apart of this earth. Nothing... One day I was sitting in class and I got bored so I took a pencil and started drawing on my arm. Nothing really all that bad. I did that sort of thing all the time. The physical pain from the pencil scratching my skin reminded me that I was still alive. That day was different. That day I accidentally drew blood. I was etching the word life in my left arm and the "L" started to bleed. I know this kinda sounds morbid but the pain felt amazing. I loved it, and I loved seeing the blood. It sent this shock through my body... I wanted more blood. I didn't do anything more to my arm that day, but it wasn't long before my mind was stuck in my numb stage. This time it was different. instead of etching with a pencil I took my hunting knife and drug it along my the back of my leg. (I didn't want my parents to find the mark so I had to be innovative. You can still just barely see the scar on my right leg. ) The blood just gushed out of the cut and dripped down the back of my calf... After that it just got worse... I would let a cut heal then as soon as it did I'd cut it open again... It was a bad time in my life... A lot of different things were happening and I had no control over them or my emotions. See, at the same time I was cutting I was also having suicidal thoughts... At least two or three times a day I would think about just ending the misery... Earlier this year I thought I was finally over all of that... I was trying to stop cutting... I made it the entire summer without cutting and a few months into the school year which was really good for me. I'm still trying to stop. As of right now the last time I cut was January 16 at 10:00 at night. 3 cuts on that night. I've got almost 2 months under my belt (it'll be 2 months in 13 dayz). So, I'm doing OK for the most part. I'm starting to freak out though... Lately (as I'm sure you guys already know) I've been extremely depressed. What my problem is... is the fact that I'm starting to go numb again. Like earlier when I was talking to Megan and Sammy I went into a numb state... I'm not sure if they noticed or not... They didn't say anything if they did... I'm fine now, but I'm scared... I'm getting suicidal thoughts like I use too. You guys probably couldn't imagine all the ways I've thought of to kill myself... oh boy... I'm not really sure if I would ever actually go through with killing myself or not... I don't think I would but I didn't think I would ever cut either... So, I'm just letting you guys know that I might a lot of help for the next few months... I love y'all and I'll see ya soon... I promise!!!