Second Chance...

Last night... was.... well, there are no words to describe last night. Last night was the night that Megan gave her message at church. I have to say Megan did an awsome job. I am so proud of her. She was so nervous earlier, but when it came time she really delivered. I know that she touched alot of people with what she had to say. The movie that she made was amazing... Lol I think it would have been better without my little quote, but that's just my opinion. Even with my quote, I was starting to tear up when I watched it. After the movie Doug introduced Meg. As I listened to Megan talk thoughts just started swirling around in my head. Every word hit me hard. I looked over at Sammy and Jenny the both had tears in their eyes. I looked back up at Megan and I lost it... I have to say that I was expecting to cry last night, but I wasn't expecting to cry as hard as I did. I couldn't stop thinking about how badly i've hurt everyone by cutting... It's so hard for me to stop. I never meant to hurt anyone, but those around me have gotten so close to me that it does hurt them. I couldn't stop thinking about my cousin and how much she's been through... I couldn't stop thinking about Emily. I feel so bad. I can't believe i've let her go this long without saying something. I should have said something... anything... but i didn't. God knows that the fact tha I cut doesn't exactly discourage her from doing the same. She's just been through so much and I feel like I haven't done jack squat to help. I don't know... Sammy patted me on the back and told me she knew I could do it. I couldn't smile about that at the time but I can now. It just feels so great to know that Sammy has that kind of confidence in me. I on the other hand don't trust myself, but it's good to know that somebody else does... By the time Megan had finished talking I was still crying, but I had the crying alittle more under control. Well, I thought I had the crying under control... I couldn't handle it... I had to go back to the back of the church. I can't stand crying around my friends. It bothers the hell outta me to cry in front of people. Sure enough I turn around and Megan followed me to make sure I was doing ok. She gave me a hug and asked what was wrong. I just shook my head and said nothing... which I know she knew was a lie, but I knew that if I tried to explain everything that was running through my head I'd break down and cry even harder. Then, Ryan came back... He was crying harder than I was... OMG I felt so bad. I talked to him for a few minutes then Ryan asked me to go up and pray for him. So, of course I did. Megan, by then had went back to talk to everyone else. I walked up to the front of the church and sat next to Ryan and just prayed. I didn't just pray for Ryan, I prayed for everyone, myself included. As I sat there praying I felt Megan come up behind us... I'm guessing she was praying with us. After a while she left again... then I left Ryan with his younger sister so they could talk. When I got up I saw/seen my little cousin Cheyenne walking toward the back of the church. I ran back to talk to her before she could leave. She was crying... I wasn't fully expecting that. She told me that she cut and she told me why... It hurts me so much to hear that coming from her. I know she's been through alot but I didn't know how badly she was hurt by all this. I just wish her dad and brother would think about someone other than themselves for once. It just pisses me off.... Ne who... I gave Chey a hug and told her to call me anytime she wanted...I walked back to where everyone was at and Jenny gave me a hug. She told me she was sorry for everything. She doesn't have anything to be sorry for... She didn't hold the knife to my arm, I did.... It's my own choice... Then Shaina asked me to jump start her car... Oh boy was that ever fun... I now officially hate Megan's brakes. They are so freakin' touchy it's not even funny. I went back inside after I parked Meg's car again. We all talked for a little while. Then we realized that it was getting late so we all decided to leave... I had to take Ryan home so I knew I was gunna be late getting home. We all got out to our cars and before she left Jenny gave me another hug. After that I jumped in the car and drove Ryan home. On the way to his house Ryan and I got a chance to talk... He asked alot of questions so he now knows a ton of stuff about my family. lol oh well. When I got home I called Emily and talked to her for a little while... We got into really deep conversation.... Which I still don't fully understand. It'll always be hard for me to understand because I can't see how I could effect anyone that much. There is one thing i'd like to mention from our conversation though. I know she'll read this eventually.... So here goes... During our convo I told Emily that she needed to stop... She asked me why I had to care... She said it was so much easier if she didn't. My explination was that great so i'll try to explain it now... Everything every single one of my friends does effects me in some way shape or form. I care about each and everyone of you and I have to say that you might not know it but even the little things that you do to yourself.... It hurts me so much. It hurts to know how much pain you're in. It hurts to know what you're doing to yourself. Whether it's cutting, burning, starving, drinking, smoking, or anything else that I can't think of off the top of my head, It all bothers the hell out of me. Some of those things hurt me more than others because of personal experiences but the point is that I don't want to see you guys going through any of that kind of pain. I've been through it and I know what its like. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I've been through all that much because compared to you I haven't been through a damn thing. Compared to you my pain wouldn't even feel like a pinch. What i'm trying to say is that even though what i've been through isn't much... I can still tell you what its like to go through it and I wouldn't wish even my worst enemy (that includes johnny boy) to go through that kind of pain. So, just imagine why I would want you to go through it.